Guns, Guns, everywhere Guns!
This past week we reached a milestone in my son's maturation process. Believing that he was now mature enough to learn the finer points of subverting justice through the "gun show loophole," I was eager to continue his education in disrespecting the laws of the land. Since I had previously shown him the uselessness of the speed limit, red light enforcement, trespassing and fishing without a license, I thought it was time for graduating to more felonious acts.
So, this past week I joined with hundreds of other ignorant, in-bred, cousin kissin', hayseed rednecks and drove my 5 year old legitimate son in my hemi-powered, 12 mile to the gallon, jacked up, gun-racked, dual-exhausted, window-tinted, radio-blasting 4x4 to the local gun show in Smyrna, TN.
Pulling into the parking lot I immediately surmised I was among friends- if not for the bountiful supply of kindred gun-racked gas-guzzlers, the bumper sticker on the Ford reading, "D.A.D.D.- Dads Against Daughters Dating" erased any doubt.
As we made our way into the show, however, I became somewhat apprehensive. Since the elitist, left-wing anti-gun activists have so expertly educated us proletariat on the evils of gun proliferation, I knew that with more than 5,000 guns of all types and calibers within such a small area, my son would surely witness at least 10 shootings, some of which might injure or kill either one of us. His education, however, was too important so we pressed on.
Once inside the main hall with over 800 tables containing knives, guns, and all things related to both, I relaxed. I saw a few hundred non-threatening people milling around the tables as peddlers hawked their wares. Sure there were a few suspect individuals with menacing camouflauged apparel displaying varying types of military insignias- war mongering killers of innocent women and children no doubt, but on the whole they looked like my son and I. Fathers, mostly, like me 35-55 years old were instructing their sons in the art of justice subterfuge- sometimes the occasional daughter or wife in tow. On the whole no one looked too threatening.
So enjoying a more relaxed state, I began searching for a handgun for my wife. After all since I am your averge bigoted, racist, sexist, animal-torturing, kid-ignoring, gun show-going, and most importantly wife-beating American white male, it was only fair that my wife should have something with which to defend herself. After speaking with one of the death peddlers, no doubt a recently paroled sexual harraser several years behind on his child support payments, I purchased a .38 special Smith and Wesson revolver with a built in laser sight. A fine firearm indeed. Just what the little lady needed. It was very pretty- would match all of her purses and it was feathery light-she being much too weak to fire a real man's weapon.
Imagine my surprise when the vermine peddler instructed his undoubtedly underpaid, overworked, and sexually harrased woman assistant to run a Federal background check on me, complete with finger prints. I became nervous and started sweating profusely. I clutched my son tightly next to me and began looking for the nearest exit. How could I pass the background check, I thought to myself. After all I am a white, anglo-saxon, protestant male. I get paid a six figure salary for doing nothing, while others make practically nothing for slaving a whole 40 hours a week. I own two homes- well, I own two mortgages anyway, while many hard-working people live on the streets. I own two gas guzzling terrorist supporting vehicles. I only paid 30% of my income to the IRS last year. Surely I should have paid more. I have health insurance that I pay for. I only gave money to my church, the Vanderbilt Children's hospital, the Heart Association, the Humane Society, the Union Rescue Mission, Sumner County tornado victims, and the March of Dimes last year. I believe in and worship God. I'm one of those ignorant Christians that hates everybody except unborn children. I squash bugs and eat meat. My children go to private school for God's sake. What kind of a person am I?
Somehow the vermine peddler and his abused assistant let me leave with the gun. I'm sure he was breaking the law just so he could make a buck. I mean how will he ever catch up on his child support payments? I'm sure he didn't pay the sales tax he collected from me either. You know most business owners are lying, thieving white men who inherited their businesses from their murderous slave trading ancestors- so why should they worry about paying any tax. I mean after all it's their buddies making the laws anyway.
We made it home around 9:00 pm, just in time for the evening news. Only 3 shootings in Nashville that night. Unbelievably, none of them at the gun show or with any of the firearms purchased there. Media lies no doubt.
Anyway, next week I'll draw on my experience from the gun show and instruct my son in felony tax evasion. A family that evades together stays together!
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